Building Relationships

Building Relationships

Parents can have different opinions on the same topic but showing this indifference to the child will harm him. A child is a good manipulator and he can easily manipulate a parent if he knows that a difference exists between their thinking.  Here are some tips to strike a good balance.

It is very natural for parents to have different views on child rearing. Sometimes the mother may be too strict while the father is lenient. Other times the father may believe in spanking a child who misbehaves while the mother strongly opposes this. So how would two parents, with completely opposing points of view, come to an agreement? 

 

Respect

Parents don't have to come to an agreement. It's alright to have different views. However, it is important to respect your partner's right to his or her own stance on child rearing. Don't try and impose your opinions on your partner. If you believe hitting a child is wrong, then don't hit your child, but don't stop your partner from doing so. 

 

Permission

Very often when children don't get permission from one parent, they rush to the other. In such a case it is important not to overrule a decision once made. If your partner has denied permission and your child comes wailing to you, ask your child to sit back and reflect on why she thinks she has not got permission, and what she can do in the future to ensure she gets it.

 

Playing parents against each other

If you take the side of your child against the other parent, your child will start playing you and your partner against each other. This will give the child the feeling that one partner is stronger than the other in the relationship, and will take, what she perceives to be the 'weaker' partner, for granted. Your child will not hesitate in running to you and saying "Mommy slapped me!" and then will sit back and take in the scene as you rush to her defense by berating mommy. 

 

Individual relationships

Your child has an individual relationship with each parent, and the other parent should not interfere in such a relationship. In addition, parents have to respect children's individual relationships with not just the other parent, but also with friends and other relatives. If granny spoils your child, there's really nothing you can do about it. At worst, your child will learn to take granny for granted. But if granny says to you, "Okay, stop shouting at her now! Enough!" and to your child, "Come here sweety, granny will give you a cookie," - that constitutes granny interfering in your individual relationship with your child. Behaviour like this should be put at an end to immediately. 

 

Similarly, with friends…

If your child comes running to you because she has had a fight with her friends, don't rush in and fight her battles. If you feel the fight was very serious and warrants interfering, you could have a word with the parent of the other child in question. 

 

In Brief

Let your child form her own relationships with others. If she has a fight with her friends, she will learn to resolve it herself. If neither parent takes her side against each other, she will learn to respect both parents. If she gets teased at school, she will learn that life is not fair. But what is important is that she will learn to cope - without your help.